Who’s that she wondered? Who is that person staring back at her? Who’s thoughts are clouding her mind? How did she get to this place in her life? Will these intrusive thoughts ever go away? Will she ever get a handle on herself?
These were some of the many of thoughts that would race in my head in the beginning stages of meditation. I was in a push pull power struggle with my thoughts. Was the goal to quiet the mind or remove all thoughts? This was something that I had to do on my own as my teachers never taught me to formally calm my mind without using the terms “ calm the mind”. I found my own way that was reflective of where I was at in my journey of deconstruction.
Deconstructing my thoughts consisted of understanding where they were coming from and the role that I played in creating that situation i was currently living in. We all play a part in the situations we are faced with especially our thoughts. Whether we are second guessing ourselves or ripping ourselves apart or being kind to ourselves. All of these thoughts come with us when we are sitting down for meditation.
I started to become friends with my thoughts. Instead of making myself believe I was trapped within my own thoughts I opened my mind up to the idea that every thought had a purpose and I did not need to scrutinize that purpose.
The moment that i removed my own expectations of what my practice needed to be and what I felt I should be doing during meditation was the moment that my thoughts slowed down naturally and I started the rebuild of my relationship with my thoughts. Get to know your thoughts. Get to know your mind. Make friends with it.