How I got to this place you see. I got here in all honesty by sheer accident. I was never planning to go down this path. I had a specific path in mind and when that path started to crumble underneath me I found my way home. I found myself sitting in a room full of strangers and telling them my life story. I found myself crying on a meditation cushion in a candlelit room. I found myself in the whisperings of the mountain retreat center.
You could say I found myself. The silence guided me.
I started out by admitting to myself what life I was actually living and how I actually got there. I had to understand the role that I played and the role that I still needed to play. This was an important moment for me as I had always played the role that I thought I needed to play in order for people to like me. I was that woman. I was the woman who needed the validation, the attention, wearing my trauma as a badge of honor, going above and beyond for people to see my worth. The truth is my worth was not based on others perceptions but on the perception that I was holding on to.
My perception for the longest time was that if I worked hard I would be noticed. If I worked hard I would be seen. If I worked hard I wouldn’t still be the little girl in the women’s shelter with her mom and sister. The truth is I was running away from my own truth. I was running away from my upbringing. I was running away from the embarrassment and shame. I had to actually admit that I was running. I never thought of myself as a runner but here I am admitting the truth once again. So I found myself at a crossroads of epic proportions. Do I keep going along and doing what I have always done or do I pave a different path that will be difficult but it will lead me to where Im supposed to be. Which is right here.
You can imagine what I chose.
I chose Meditation. I chose commitment to myself. I chose the willingness to stand up to my ego and say its time. I chose me.
That is what meditation did for me. It helped me to choose me. It helped me to stop running. It helped me to see my own truth beyond the emotion and the hurt. It helped me home.